Navigating the Challenges of Gentle Parenting

“Gentle parenting,” a term first coined by Dr. William Sears, a renowned pediatrician, has become an increasingly popular parenting style in recent years. As a new generation of parents seek to do things differently than their parents did, many are turning to methods that are backed by research and have a more child-centered approach.

So what is gentle parenting?

Gentle parenting is a style of parenting that prioritizes empathy, respect, and compassion for children. Instead of using punishment, rewards, or control, gentle parenting seeks to build a strong and loving relationship between parent and child that is built on trust and mutual understanding. This approach is grounded in the idea that children are inherently good and deserving of respect, and that an effective way to raise healthy, happy, and well-adjusted children is through a loving and supportive relationship. Certain techniques that are hallmarks of gentle parenting include:

1. Positive Reinforcement: Rather than punishing a child for misbehavior, gentle parenting focuses on positive reinforcement for good behavior. For example, praising a child for sharing their toys, rather than scolding them for not sharing.

2. Empathy: Gentle parenting prioritizes empathy and understanding for the child's emotions. For example, acknowledging a child's frustration when they can't have a toy they want, rather than dismissing their feelings.

3. Active Listening:  This can involve taking the time to listen to a child’s perspective and working with them to find a solution to the problem. 

4. Respectful Discipline: Redirecting a child’s behavior or setting clear boundaries, rather than punishment or control. 

5. Building Trust: Leaning into tenets of attachment theory, gentle parenting emphasizes the importance of creating an environment where the child feels safe and secure. 

Research suggests that children who are raised with gentle parenting techniques are more likely to develop a stronger sense of self-esteem, better emotional regulation skills, and better relationships with others. 

Are there challenges to practicing  gentle parenting?

Most parents are on board when they hear about the general concepts of gentle parenting. It is usually easy to agree with the idea that a child is inherently good and deserves all the love and empathy in the world. However, when gentle parenting moves from the theoretical to the practical, parents may encounter some of the following challenges: 

1. Self-Regulation: In order to practice gentle parenting, parents must be able to regulate their own emotions and respond to their child in a calm and supportive manner. This can be challenging for parents who have a hard time staying calm in challenging situations. 

2. Boundaries: A core component of gentle parenting is setting boundaries in an appropriate way. If a parent has trouble setting appropriate boundaries in their own lives, it may be even more challenging to set them in a healthy way for their child. 

3. Time: Gentle parenting requires a significant amount of time and patience. It involves taking the time to listen to your child, respond to their needs, and work with them to find solutions. This can be challenging for parents who are maxed out and are already having trouble juggling work, household chores and other responsibilities. 

If you are finding yourself having trouble parenting in the way you’d prefer it may be time to reach out for a therapist. Often when there is a gap between our ideal vision of ourselves as a parent and actual selves, we can experience anxiety, shame, or guilt. A trained therapist can help you understand your own challenges and roadblocks when it comes to parenting in the way you’d like to.  

No matter what parenting approach you choose, approaching your children from a place of empathy, respect, and compassion can be enough to build strong, loving relationships that allow them to thrive and grow. 

Panic Attacks: Your Emotional Fire Alarm

Imagine this: It’s a new day and you’ve decided to go for a stroll. You lace up your running shoes and grab a jacket, ready to smell the crisp morning air. You pass by familiar buildings and people - the post office, your favorite coffee shop on the corner, and a sea of schoolchildren shepherded by sleep-deprived parents. You extend a half-smile to the passersby and all seems well-until your racing heartbeat and shaking legs catch you off guard. Confused, you stop in your tracks, wondering what has prompted this rapid change in your body, but now your thoughts are going a mile a minute and it feels like you are out of control. You double over, placing your hands on your knees to catch your breath, and despite your best effort, it feels like you're gasping for air. You’re convinced you're dying at this moment. Sound the alarm, you’ve just had a panic attack. 

Roughly one in ten adults will have at least one panic, or ‘anxiety’ attack every year. 

While the clinical picture of panic attacks can vary, they are characterized by the following symptoms: increased heart rate, sweating, trembling, shortness of breath, choking, nausea, stomach pain, dizziness, lightheadedness, tingling in the arms or legs, feeling hot or cold, derealization (feeling that things around you aren’t real) or depersonalization (feeling like you are outside of your body), and fear of dying or losing control. Despite only lasting minutes, panic attacks can be very debilitating and can develop into panic disorder. 

Fortunately, panic attacks aren’t random. In fact, panic attacks are very predictable because they are triggered by internal or external cues of perceived threats. When you come in contact with these cues (i.e. a large group of people headed toward you during your morning walk), it signals to your mind that you are in danger and need to avoid, escape, or surrender to something to survive that moment. In essence, panic attacks are your body's emotional fire alarm system.  

When physical threats were a daily occurrence in human evolution (i.e. avoiding becoming a large animal's lunch), our ability to detect them and react appropriately was advantageous. What an effective fire alarm system! Fast forward a couple thousand years and becoming lunch isn’t a common concern anymore and our fire alarm system has evolved to detect psychological threats too. Reminders of deep fears, difficult, or traumatic events (i.e. a swarm of people subtly reminds you of the time you were caught in a stampede), or really uncomfortable thoughts about yourself (i.e. the thought “I am not good enough”) are perceived as ‘dangerous.’ This is just enough to sound off our body’s fire alarm. For individuals with recurrent panic attacks or with panic disorder, the fire alarm becomes too sensitive and will detect a wider variety of triggers that don't seem threatening at all. At this stage, panic attacks are like the alarms that sound the second you turn on the stove - you’re receiving all the signs that the house is on fire when in reality, the alarm is reacting to one controlled flame.

Panic attacks are treatable. Through therapy, you can learn the underlying meaning of your anxiety, become aware of your triggers, and begin to form a new relationship with distressing thoughts and feelings that arouse panic symptoms. In the meantime, understanding the neuroscience of panic attacks gives us ways to ‘hack’ our nervous system and override our emotional fire alarm at the sign of the first symptom to decrease the intensity and duration of panic episodes. 

Activating the Parasympathetic Nervous System: During a panic attack episode, our sympathetic nervous system - the fight, flight, and freeze system - is activated. However, we can override our panic symptoms by activating our parasympathetic nervous system - the rest and digest system - through paced breathing or changing our bodies temperature when we notice early symptoms of panic. 

• Paced Breathing: Exhaling through the mouth twice as long as we inhale through the nose is a proven way to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. Practice inhaling for 4 counts and exhaling 8. 

• Temperature: Taking a cold shower or placing a cold compress on your face or the nape of your neck while holding your breath can activate the mammalian diving reflex. This reflex slows your heart rate and activates the parasympathetic nervous system.

Releasing Endorphins: Another ‘hack’ to mitigating panic symptoms is to fight fire with fire, literally! Eating spicy foods releases endorphins in our brains which aid in reducing pain, releasing stress, and improving mood. Additionally, for heat-averse individuals, eating spicy foods at the earliest sign of panic is such an overwhelming experience that the brain shifts our attention away from thoughts and feelings related to panic (i.e. “oh no, everyone will see me panic now”) to focus on relieving the burning sensation (i.e. “my mouth is on fire, I need water”). Carrying spicy candies or gums such as RedHots or Big Red gum can be helpful for individuals on the go. For spice-lovers, eating spicy candy or gum may not have the same overwhelming effect, therefore eating sour foods or candies like lemons or sour candy is advised. 

Although these hacks are helpful and effective, they are temporary. These skills can disrupt a current panic attack episode from progressing if caught early enough, but will not prevent future episodes from occurring. Forming a relationship with a trusted therapist to address your panic attacks is the only way to reprogram your emotional fire alarm and prevent future episodes.