Navigating Generational Conflict: How to maintain your parental boundaries during the holiday season

The holidays often mean spending more time than usual with extended family. This means that parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, great aunts, etc. may be spending more time with your children. This can be a great thing, as loving relationships with relatives are a good for a child’s social development, self-esteem, and even cognitive skills. Nonetheless, conflict can arise when a family member has different ideas than the parent about how to best raise children.

These disagreements can vary from minor to major, from how much junk food is allowed to disagreements about discipline. If you struggle with navigating these conflicts, know you are not alone. In a recent survey by Michigan Medicine, nearly half of the 2,000 parents polled reported butting heads with grandparents regarding their parenting choices. That is just grandparents, nevermind all of the opinions you may encounter across the holiday table

You may think that bringing up Grandma’s lack of screen time limits just isn't worth it (I mean after all she does provide free babysitting…), but unspoken conflict can cause resentment to build and may over time create a wedge between generations. Navigating these situations can be tricky, so here are a few strategies that could help restore the peace and allow the relationships with extended family to thrive when you’re feeling like your parenting choices are being undermined: 

1) Pick Your Battles - Understand what is most important to you as a parent and choose those things to intervene on. There may be some non-negotiables, such as safety or discipline, but on smaller topics it can be beneficial to just let it go. 

2) Address It Early - Whatever the situation may be, the sooner you address it, the sooner the family member will understand that their behavior is not okay with you. If you allow something to happen for years, it may be hard for them to understand why you are bringing it up now and they may be less open to change. 

3) Communicate Boundaries Calmly - We all have a tendency to get defensive when we feel we are being criticized, so try to approach the conversations at a time when you are not feeling overly angry or upset. Be sure to clearly state your boundaries, what exactly crossed the line, why this is an issue for you, and what your expectations are moving forward. Try to keep your explanations as simple and straightforward as possible. 

4) Empathize - Assume good intentions. Family members may be parenting from different generations and perspectives. What was once safe or top parenting advice, may now be considered outdated and unsafe as parental norms and expectations regularly change. By empathizing and helping your family understand your rationale, everybody can keep their focus on the priority, which is raising happy and healthy children. 

If your family is not used to addressing conflict, these conversations may be difficult at first. Hopefully, successfully navigating these generational rocky waters will allow you to enjoy the bond between your child and their extended family without the added layer of tension.