Surviving Toddler Tantrums
/Your child asks for water. You give your child some water. And suddenly the screaming starts…What is going on? The water could have the wrong temperature, could be in the wrong cup, your child may not like the way you handed them the water – who knows. The one thing that is clear is that your child is about to have a tantrum. Read on to learn what tantrums are, why they happen, how to deal with them, and better yet, how to prevent them.
Tantrums are your child’s form of protest. They come in all shapes and sizes and may involve screaming, stiffening limbs, an arched back, kicking, falling down, flailing about, or running away. In some cases, children hold their breath, vomit, break things, or hurt themselves or other people as part of a tantrum.
Tantrums are normal, common, and expected. Between the ages of two and four, over 90% of children will have tantrums. Tantrum throwing tends to peak during this age range because children are still at the early stages of social, emotional, and language development. They can’t always communicate their needs and feelings which often leads to frustration. And they’re learning that how they behave can influence others. So tantrums end up becoming one of the ways children learn to express their feelings and change what’s going on around them.
Before moving into strategies on how to help prevent and ease tantrums, it is important to clarify what tantrums do not mean. Tantrums do not mean you are failing your child or are a bad parent. Tantrums are not a sign that you have a bad kid or that your child is trying to manipulate you. It is common for parents to take tantrums personally and react accordingly, but really what your child is doing is completely developmentally appropriate.
Ways to make tantrums less likely to happen:
Identify tantrum triggers like tiredness, hunger, fears, or overstimulation. You may be able to plan for these situations and avoid the triggers
Help your child understand their feelings so they do not feel as big. This can start at birth by using words to label feelings like “happy”, ”sad”, “angry”
Have your child tune in to the feelings they have when they move through a stressful situation without a tantrum. For example “Mommy said we had to leave the park and you left without getting upset. How did that feel? Did you feel calm?”
Model positive coping strategies for handling stressful situations. “I am getting worried we will be late because of this traffic, I am going to take a few deep breaths”
Offer choices in decision making to encourage independence “Would you prefer to wear the orange shirt or blue shirt today?”
Ways to help you and your child through the tantrum:
Use a mantra - repeating a mantra can help you keep your cool, which will allow you to have more emotional resources to support your child. Some mantras include
“It’s not personal - it is normal and developmentally appropriate”
“They are not giving me a hard time - they are having a hard time”
“Stop and take a breath”
Say less - being rational adults, we like to talk ourselves out of problems, but when your child is in the throes of a tantrum sometimes saying less is more. Their feelings can be so big that any explanation is best saved for when the tantrum is over
Offer empathy and acknowledgement - Even though your child may be losing their mind over something that feels silly to you, like not being able to wear the ketchup-stained shirt from yesterday, speaking to your child with empathy will help them feel seen and understood
Stay calm but do not give in - your child will mimic what you do. If you take deep breaths and regulate your emotions, your child will have an easier time doing the same. You can acknowledge your child’s frustrations in a calm way and not give in, which will only reinforce the tantrums. An example of this type of statement would be “I see that you are very angry and frustrated that we have to leave the park, but we cannot stay here any longer”
When you have made it through a tantrum, it is important to remind your child how loved they are even when their feelings are so big. A hug will remind your child that they are secure with you and you are not deterred by their tantrums. When the tantrum is over, it is important to debrief with your child and narrate the course of the tantrum, from the trigger to the behavior to the calm down. This will help your child understand that their feelings are in reaction to something.
Tantrums can be very triggering depending on our own childhoods and the ways we learned to deal with negative emotions. If you are finding it difficult to follow these tips or remain calm in the face of your child’s distress, it may be important to better understand and process your emotional responses to your child’s dysregulation.
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