The Good Enough Mother: Interrupting Perfectionism and Fostering a Healthier Relationship to Parenting
/In parenthood there is often a desire and pressure to get it right, but not just right, perfect. The perfect schedule, the perfect educational toys, the perfect amount of independent play versus structured play, the perfect sleep schedule, the perfect amount of screen time, the perfect weight, the perfect latch, and so on, and so on…
With an endless list of tasks to perfect, most parents are left with an inevitable sense of failure. Feeling as though you are not meeting the mark of the perfect parent can lead to guilt, shame, anxiety, and/or depression. Several studies have even linked perfectionism to the development of postpartum depression.
Alas, there is no such thing as a perfect parent, and in fact, no child needs a perfect parent. Children with perfectionistic parents are more likely to experience:
Depression and anxiety
Poor coping strategies
Self-criticism
Their own perfectionistic tendencies
To back up this bold statement, I lean on the term “good enough mother” by the late renowned pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott. Winnicott posited that perfect parenting was not only unattainable but also undesirable. Of course, infants need attention and to have their needs met. But as children grow they are better off with a “good enough” parent, one who lets them explore their independence and encounter struggle and disappointment. When a parent isn’t always perfectly attuned and doesn’t instantly meet every one of their child’s needs, the child is able to develop resilience. This resilience behooves the child as they grow up and encounter a world that will fail them many times. These later setbacks will not derail the child, as the “good enough” parent gave the child the space to learn to effectively deal with the frustrations of reality.
All of this is to say, when we “fail” our kids in manageable, developmentally appropriate ways, we are actually helping them become healthier, more adaptive adults.
Here are some strategies to move away from perfectionist parenting and lean in to the “good enough” parent:
Be good to yourself. No one can do everything. Give yourself a break, ask for help, and practice self-compassion.
Stop the comparison game. Social media allows us to endlessly scroll through feeds of highlight reels which can often make a person feel inadequate. Do not worry about what others are doing with their families, do what is right for yours.
Trust your child to figure it out. The best way for a child to learn coping skills to help them thrive in a challenging world is to give them the space to figure things out on their own. The best time for them to learn these important skills is when they are in the safety of their parents’ home.
Focus on the present, not the future. Try to stay in your child’s experience of childhood, not on the movement towards successful adulthood. For example, find a school where they enjoy learning rather than a school with the best credentials.
Ultimately, the “good enough” ideology stands in direct contrast to perfectionistic parenting. It recognizes that a parent cannot be everything all the time, and not only is that okay, it has its own set of benefits for children in the long-run.