The Power of Self-Compassion in Parenting
/I’ve noticed a trend through my work with new parents: New parents tend to be much more critical of themselves compared to their friends and peers who are exhibiting the same or similar parenting behaviors.
Let's take a hypothetical example: a parent raises their voice (which they rarely do) at their toddler for changing their shoes for the thousandth time. They then feel shame and guilt over this exchange and bring it to a therapy session. I usually ask, "Well, what would you say if a friend said this to you, in the same exact situation?" Almost always, the client will reply, "I would say you are a great parent, it was one time, don't be so hard on yourself." The client has compassion and empathy towards others but has trouble finding self-compassion for themselves. Sound familiar?
Self-compassion is a continual practice. It is the idea of being kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings, instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for real or perceived inadequacies and shortcomings. Dr. Kristin Neff, a leader in the field of self-compassion, has broken the term down into three distinct components:
Mindfulness - The ability to pay attention and acknowledge what’s happening.
When something bad happens, we have a few options:we can try to pretend nothing is wrong (yikes), we can get lost in a shame spiral, or we can just allow ourselves to become aware of the pain. When we choose the last option we give ourselves the chance to be kind.
Kindness - After observing that pain exists, there is a choice point of being self-critical or engaging in kindness. This is the part of self-compassion that requires a person to provide themselves with the type of support and love they may show their children or loved ones.
Common Humanity - Recognizing that all humans experience suffering and challenges and that you are not alone in your struggles. This acknowledgment can help to reduce feelings of isolation and increase feelings of connection and empathy towards oneself and others.
When you’re a new parent, practicing self-compassion can be particularly important. The demands of caring for a newborn can leave parents feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and even guilty for not being able to do everything perfectly.
Below are some tips for developing the skill set needed to engage in self compassion.
Start Developing Your Compassionate Voice - When we push our inner critic to the side, there is space to develop a warmer voice. Before the compassionate voice becomes the default, daily mantras may be helpful. For example:
I am not a failure, I am just having a hard time
My messy house is not a sign of being a bad parent
It is okay to struggle in parenthood, everyone does
Connect With Others - Reach out to other parents or join a support group to connect with others who are going through similar experiences. Recognize that you are not alone in your struggles and that many other parents feel overwhelmed and exhausted during this time.
Prioritize Yourself - Being self-compassionate is acknowledging that you have needs. Make time for yourself, clue into what would feel helpful and/or needed and make an effort to make that happen.
When we practice self-compassion, we can cultivate more freedom, flexibility, and joy in our parenting journey, and reduce the pressure and stress we may feel. This approach not only benefits the parents but also benefits the children, who witness a parent who is vibrant, forgiving, loving, confident, and joyful, rather than one consumed with guilt, fear, and anxiety.