Why Parenting Can Bring up Your Own Childhood
Many people assume that parenting is primarily about getting to know their child.
What often comes as more of a surprise is how much it can reconnect us with our own early experiences.
The arrival of a child introduces situations that are emotionally familiar, even if we don’t immediately recognize why. A toddler’s distress, a baby’s dependence, or a child’s growing need for independence can evoke feelings that seem disproportionate to the moment. You may find yourself becoming unusually anxious when your child is upset, feeling an urgent need to fix every difficult emotion, struggling to tolerate their frustration, or reacting in ways that don’t reflect the kind of parent you want to be.
From an attachment perspective, this isn’t unexpected. The way we were cared for early in life shapes how we come to understand safety, closeness, emotions, and relationships, often without us being fully aware of it. These internal templates often continue to shape how we interpret other people's emotions, what we expect from relationships, and how we respond when someone depends on us. Parenting often activates them because it asks us to provide the kind of care we once received, bringing those early relational experiences closer to the surface.
For example, someone who grew up in an environment where emotions were minimized may instinctively try to stop a child’s tears as quickly as possible. A parent who learned that love depends on achievement may become especially distressed when their child struggles or falls behind. These reactions are rarely about the child alone and often reflect longstanding patterns shaped by earlier experiences.
This doesn't mean we are destined to repeat our own childhoods. In fact, one of the strongest predictors of secure attachment is not having had perfect parents, but developing the capacity to reflect on our own experiences and recognize how they continue to shape us. Rather than reacting automatically, we begin to wonder what our child is feeling, what we are feeling, and why. That pause creates flexibility. It allows us to respond to the child in front of us instead of the experiences our nervous system may still be carrying from years ago. For many parents, therapy offers a space to slow down enough to recognize these patterns before they become the default response.
Parenting often reveals parts of ourselves that have remained outside of awareness. While this can feel uncomfortable, it also creates opportunities for growth. We don't become better parents by never feeling activated. We become better parents by growing increasingly curious about what those moments awaken in us. Understanding where our reactions come from doesn’t erase them, but it makes it more likely that we can respond with intention rather than repetition. In that sense, raising a child can also become an invitation to better understand ourselves.
This blog was written by Jessica DelNero, Ph.D.
“I earned my M.A. and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The New School in New York City. My training included individual and group psychotherapy in various settings, including community clinics, Brooklyn College Counseling, Zucker Hillside Hospital, Montefiore Hospital, Mount Sinai Morningside, and Mount Sinai Beth Israel. My doctoral research focused on attachment theory, parenting, and intervention effectiveness.
I obtained my PMH-C certification through Postpartum Support International, a leading organization in PMADs treatment. My training in third-party reproduction was completed through the American Society of Reproductive Medicine.”
If you are interested in working with Dr. DelNero, click the button below to book a consultation.
