Why Am I Having an Affair?
You’re having an affair.
Your relationship may have been unhappy for years, or you may still love your partner and have no intention of leaving. You may have told yourself this would happen once, and now you’re checking your phone in the bathroom to see if they’ve texted or daydreaming about a getaway.
So, why are you doing this?
You may have a straightforward explanation: something is missing from your relationship, you reconnected with someone from the past, or one thing led to another. That may all track. But it doesn’t necessarily explain why this particular person became so important, why it happened now, or why you continue doing something that puts a relationship you value at risk.
Understanding an affair means being willing to explore those questions. It also means recognizing that secrecy can cause harm, even when your feelings are real.
Who Are You When You’re With This Person?
Affairs happen in relationships marked by loneliness, anger, or sexual disconnection. They also happen in relationships people value.
To understand the pull, consider not only what is compelling about the other person, but who you are when you’re with them.
Maybe you’re sexual in a way you haven’t felt in years. You’re being pursued instead of depended upon. Nobody is asking you to pick up milk, answer the email from school, or figure out Thanksgiving. Perhaps you feel less responsible, more interesting, more reckless, or simply less known.
The affair partner may not know the version of you who is impatient in the morning, anxious about money, or exhausted on a Tuesday night. That leaves room for fantasy, including fantasies about yourself. The other person can become both a person and a place to put possibilities.
What you imagine with them may tell you something about what you have been missing, wanting, or unable to imagine elsewhere.
Why Does an Affair Feel So Intense?
The conditions of an affair can intensify desire. There are texts you “shouldn’t” be sending, plans that have to be arranged, and stretches of time apart. Uncertainty leaves room for anticipation.
The feelings may be entirely real, but the relationship is also occurring under unusual conditions. You probably don’t know what it is like to remind your affair partner for the third time that the recycling needs to go out.
There may also be something familiar about the intensity. Perhaps you have often been drawn to people who are unavailable, or desire becomes easier when there is an obstacle in the way. These aren’t explanations to impose on every affair. They are patterns worth noticing when they repeat.
Why Now?
Sometimes an affair begins when time feels more noticeable: a milestone birthday, the death of a parent, children getting older, or a career that looks different from what you imagined.
You look around and realize that the life you chose is increasingly your actual life. There can be grief in that, even when you like it. Choosing one life means not living many others.
An affair introduces something unfinished, something that hasn’t been tested against ordinary life. It may reconnect you with feelings of youth, sexuality, or possibility. It may also help you avoid a loss, disappointment, or decision you don’t want to face. Often, it contains a bit of both.
What If the Affair Solves a Problem and Creates One?
You may feel trapped in your relationship and find freedom in the affair. Then you discover that you’re waiting anxiously for someone else to text you.
You may be avoiding a decision about whether to leave your partner. Having another relationship allows you not to decide, until the affair itself creates a crisis that demands a decision.
Or you may want closeness but feel uncomfortable being fully known. An affair allows intimacy while preserving a separate part of your life.
There may be anger in it, too: resentment about being needed, disappointment that has never been spoken about, or a wish to have something that belongs only to you. The secrecy itself may carry meaning: there is a part of me you do not know.
People rarely do things for only one reason. We can want security and freedom, closeness and distance. Understanding what the affair does for you can help you recognize the conflict you have been living out and take responsibility for what happens next.
How Can Therapy Help If I’m Having an Affair?
Affairs create immediate questions. Should I end it? Should I tell my partner? Am I leaving? Do I actually love this other person?
Therapy offers somewhere to think through those questions, including the consequences of continuing the affair. A psychologist can help you explore why this happened now, what changes in you with this person, and whether the situation resembles other ways you have managed intimacy, anger, or dependence.
At Therapists of New York, our psychologists don’t assume that an affair has one meaning, or that understanding it means excusing it. You don’t have to arrive knowing what you want to do. You can start by becoming less of a stranger to the part of yourself that is doing it.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does having an affair mean I don’t love my partner?
Not necessarily. People can love their partners and still have affairs. The affair alone can’t tell you what you “really” feel. Understanding that requires looking at the larger relationship and what the affair has come to mean to you.
Can I go to therapy alone if I’m having an affair?
Yes. You don’t need to know whether you want to end the affair, leave your relationship, or repair it before starting. If you feel ashamed or afraid to talk about what is happening, that can be a place to begin.
Can couples therapy help after an affair?
Yes. Couples therapy can help address the injury caused by an affair and explore whether and how to move forward together. If the affair has not been disclosed, ask the therapist about their approach to secrets and disclosure before sharing privately.
If you’re interested in starting therapy, the next step is a complimentary 20-minute consultation call with one of our senior psychologists. We’ll learn more about what you’re looking for and connect you with a therapist who fits your needs, goals, and personality.
