How to Support Someone Going Through Infertility: What to Say and Do
The best way to support someone going through infertility is to listen without trying to fix the situation.
Let them guide the conversation, and continue showing up even when you are unsure what to say.
After working with many individuals and couples experiencing infertility, I've found that one of the most painful parts often has nothing to do with fertility treatment itself. It's the loneliness that can develop around it.
Friends stop asking because they don't want to say the wrong thing. Family members change the subject because they're worried about making things worse. Conversations become more cautious, and over time, many people find themselves carrying not only their own grief, but other people's discomfort with it as well. They reassure others that they're "fine," downplay what they're feeling, or stop bringing it up altogether because it's easier than navigating someone else's uncertainty.
Supporting someone through infertility doesn't require having the perfect words. More often, it requires being willing to stay engaged, even when there isn't anything you can do to make the situation better.
What to Say to Someone Going Through Infertility
Watching someone you care about struggle with infertility can leave you feeling helpless. It's natural to want to ease their pain by offering hope or perspective. The intention is loving, but infertility is one of those experiences where reassurance can sometimes feel like an attempt to move someone away from what they're actually feeling.
Comments like, "Everything happens for a reason," "Just stay positive," or "At least you know you can get pregnant," are usually meant to comfort. But they can unintentionally communicate that someone's grief needs to be softened or redirected. Unsolicited advice about relaxing, trying a particular treatment, or considering another path to parenthood can have a similar effect.
Often, the most supportive response is also the simplest.
"I'm so sorry you're going through this."
"I've been thinking about you."
"I'm here if you want to talk."
“You don’t have to respond, but I wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.”
People rarely expect you to have the right answer. They are much more likely to remember whether they felt understood. Acknowledging the pain is often more comforting than trying to create hope or certainty.
Let Them Decide What They Need
One of the challenges of infertility is that it rarely feels emotionally consistent. Some days a person may want to talk through every appointment, every phone call, and every decision. Other days they may want a conversation that has nothing to do with treatment.
Rather than trying to guess what someone needs, leave room for them to decide.
"How have you been doing?"
"Would you rather talk about everything that's been going on, or would it feel good to think about something else for a while?"
“Would you like me to check in after your appointment, or would you rather reach out when you’re ready?”
The question itself communicates something important: that you're willing to meet them wherever they are that day. It can also offer a small sense of control during an experience that often feels unpredictable.
Stay Connected Without Applying Pressure
Infertility has a way of making life feel as though it has been put on hold while everyone else keeps moving forward. Pregnancy announcements, Mother's Day, Father's Day, baby showers, treatment cycles, or a due date that never became a birthday can all bring grief back to the surface.
Many people decline invitations or pull back socially during these times. That doesn't necessarily mean they want to be forgotten. Continuing to reach out without pressure lets someone know they're still part of your life, even if they aren't always able to say yes. Sometimes a brief text saying, "Thinking about you today," carries more weight than you realize.
When extending an invitation, it can help to make clear that there is no pressure to attend and no explanation required. If they decline, continue including them in future plans rather than assuming they no longer want to be invited.
Pregnancy announcements may also benefit from extra care. Sharing the news privately by text before a group announcement can give someone space to process their reaction without having to respond in front of other people. They may feel genuinely happy for you while also experiencing grief of their own. Both can be true.
You Don’t Need to Find the Perfect Words
At the end of the day, people rarely remember whether someone found the perfect words. They remember who continued to ask how they were doing, who didn't disappear when conversations became uncomfortable, and who made them feel that they didn't have to carry such a painful experience by themselves.
Supporting someone through infertility is less about saying exactly the right thing and more about offering steady, respectful connection. You cannot take away the uncertainty or grief, but your willingness to listen, follow their lead, and keep showing up can make the experience feel less lonely.
If you or someone you love is struggling with the emotional impact of infertility, therapy can offer a place to process the grief, uncertainty, and strain that often accompany it. Therapists of New York can help connect you with a clinician who understands the complexities of fertility challenges and can support you through the process. Contact us to get started.
This blog was written by Jessica DelNero, Ph.D.
“I earned my M.A. and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The New School in New York City. My training included individual and group psychotherapy in various settings, including community clinics, Brooklyn College Counseling, Zucker Hillside Hospital, Montefiore Hospital, Mount Sinai Morningside, and Mount Sinai Beth Israel. My doctoral research focused on attachment theory, parenting, and intervention effectiveness.
I obtained my PMH-C certification through Postpartum Support International, a leading organization in PMADs treatment. My training in third-party reproduction was completed through the American Society of Reproductive Medicine.”
If you are interested in working with Dr. DelNero, click the button below to book a consultation.
