Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples: How to Stop the Same Fights and Reconnect

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If you keep having the same fight over and over again with your partner—whether it’s about chores, date nights, or something deeper—you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves stuck in frustrating patterns, unsure how to reconnect. That’s where Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help.

EFT is an evidence-based, attachment-focused therapy that helps couples understand the patterns driving their conflict and reconnect through more vulnerable, safe, and responsive emotional conversations.

What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

EFT is built on the idea that love isn’t just a feeling—it’s a need. Given the importance of this bond, when we feel disconnected from our partner, we go into threatened, protective mode. This often looks like one of two things:

  • One partner pursues—by getting louder, asking for more, or seeking reassurance.

  • The other withdraws—by shutting down, avoiding conflict, or trying not to make things worse.

One person’s protective move can fuel the other’s protective move, leading to a rigid cycle. The more this pattern repeats, the more stuck and distant both people feel. EFT helps couples identify and change this cycle—so you can reach and respond to each other with clarity and care, instead of reactivity.

How EFT Works: The First Phase of Assessment & Treatment

EFT has three stages , and the first one is all about helping you understand what’s really happening in your relationship. In this first phase, your therapist will help you:

1. Share Your Story Together & Individually
As a couple, you’ll meet with your therapist to describe your relationship goals, the story of your relationship, and what happens when you feel disconnected. Each of you will also meet once privately with your therapist to share your individual relationship history, emotional needs, and what shaped your attachment style. This helps build a fuller picture of your experiences—and your relationship’s context for both you and your partner to understand.

2. Reconnect with Shared Goals
 Once your therapist begins to understand the cycle, you’ll talk together about your strengths, stuck points, how it connects to your attachment history, and what healing could look like. You’ll begin setting goals for how to move forward—together.

3. Understand Your Negative Cycle
 Rather than focusing on who’s “right” or “wrong,” you’ll start looking at the deeper emotional cycle you’re both caught in and will practice sending clearer signals to your partner around what’s happening inside when you’re caught in the cycle. What triggers each of you? How do you each try to cope? What do those reactions protect? These new, vulnerable conversations will allow you to have more understanding and connection in the exact places you have felt most alone.

Why Couples Choose EFT

  • It’s research-backed. Most couples who complete EFT report better communication, less fighting, and stronger emotional connection.

  • It goes deeper than conflict resolution. You don’t just learn tools—you learn how to talk about what really matters.

  • It’s collaborative, not blame-based. You’ll learn to see each other not as adversaries—but as partners caught in a painful cycle.

  • It’s compassionate  and prioritizes emotional safety. Therapists help slow things down and honor your protection so you can express emotion without spiraling into arguments or feeling judged.

What You Might Hear in EFT

Before therapy:
“You never listen to me.”
“Well, you always attack me—what do you expect?”

After a few sessions:
“When I feel you pull away, I panic. I start criticizing, but really, I just want to feel close again.”
“I didn’t know that. I shut down because I feel like I’m already disappointing you.”

This is the heart of EFT—helping couples say what they really mean and respond to each other with compassion instead of defense.

Is EFT Right for You?

If you’re feeling disconnected, stuck in repetitive arguments, or unsure how to repair after fights, EFT couples therapy can help. Therapists of New York offers Emotionally Focused Therapy in NYC with clinicians trained in evidence-based couples work. Contact us at info@therapistsofny.com to schedule a consultation.