How Do We Cope When Things Are Beyond Our Control?
There are moments when something shifts and suddenly you’re not in control.
A diagnosis.
A loss.
A change you didn’t choose.
A situation that won’t resolve no matter how much you think about it.
And the usual strategies stop working.
You try to problem-solve.
You try to plan.
You try to make sense of it.
You talk it through with a friend or loved one.
But there’s nothing to solve. Nothing to fix. Nothing to get ahead of. That’s when things start to feel overwhelming.
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The instinct to regain control
When something feels out of control, most people move in one of a few directions:
You try to think your way out of it.You go over every detail, trying to find the answer you missed.
You try to shut it down.Distract, stay busy, avoid.
Or you try to tighten everything else.Get more organized. More productive. More “on top of things.”
None of these are wrong. They’re attempts to steady yourself.
But when something is truly outside your control, these strategies can start to backfire. The thinking becomes looping. The avoidance becomes disconnection. The tightening becomes exhausting.
What actually helps in those moments
This is where coping gets misunderstood.
Coping isn’t about fixing the situation. It’s about how you stay with yourself in the situation. That’s a very different task.
A DBT lens: how to get through the moment
In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), there’s a focus on distress tolerance, which is exactly what it sounds like. How do you get through something painful without making it worse?
Not forever. Just right now.
That might look like:
getting good at recognizing when you’re in a state that needs support
grounding your body when your mind is spiraling
using temperature, movement, or breath to shift intensity
finding ways to interrupt the urge to act impulsively
giving yourself structure when everything feels chaotic
These are not deep insights. They’re not meant to be. They’re tools to help you get through the moment without escalating it. And they take practice.
We often aren’t good at practicing what seems obvious, but when things are truly out of your control, tools within reach matter more than people think.
At Therapists of New York, we offer DBT skills groups where people can learn and practice these tools in a structured, supportive environment.
What’s happening underneath
At the same time, coping is not just behavioral. Moments of lost control tend to stir up something deeper: old expectations, earlier experiences of uncertainty, feelings that may not fully belong to the present moment.
You might notice:
the intensity feels disproportionate
the reaction feels familiar, even if the situation is new
there’s a pull toward either gripping tightly or giving up entirely
In that frame, the goal isn’t just to cope.It’s to understand what the situation is touching in you.
Our ways of coping are not random. They’re organized responses that developed over time, often for very good reasons, and they tend to reappear when we feel overwhelmed or uncertain.
When things are beyond your control, those patterns often become more visible.
So what do we actually do?
You need ways to get through the moment and a place to make sense of what it brings up. Both approaches matter.
If you only focus on coping skills, you may get through the moment but still feel stuck in the same patterns.
If you only focus on insight, you may understand yourself but still feel overwhelmed in real time.
The combination can be where things start to shift.
Therapy as a place to do both
At Therapists of New York, we think about coping in both of these ways.
We offer structured support, like DBT skills groups, to help you manage intensity in the moment.
And we offer depth-oriented, psychodynamic therapy to help you understand the patterns that show up when things feel out of control. Our therapists integrate coping skills with deeper insight.
We work with patients across Midtown Manhattan, Brooklyn Heights, and Montclair, NJ, each bringing their own version of this question.
If things feel out of control right now
You don’t need to have the answer. You don’t need to resolve it immediately. You just need a way to get through it and a place to understand what it may be stirring up.
If you’re looking for therapy in NYC or Montclair and want support that combines both practical tools and deeper understanding: start here.
